Talking to My Mother-in-Law About Finances

I can quickly single out my greatest money regret—selling a studio apartment in New York City during the Great Recession, when real estate prices were depressed. In hindsight, my husband, John, and I should have rented the apartment and sold it a couple of years later to double our profit.
 
My mother-in-law, Sue Smock, a retired professor of sociology, can also quickly tell you her greatest money regret. She should have bought a friend’s three-bedroom condo in Florida when prices were low—with the added benefit that her friend was a motivated seller, as they say in real estate parlance. “I could have had all my grandkids there together over the past 10 years, and it would have been a great investment,” Sue says.
 
I wish we hadn’t sold; Sue wishes she had bought. While in the past I’ve sidestepped talking finances with my mother-in-law, our recent conversation pleasantly surprised me. We agree on more things than I had thought. Here’s a rundown of our eye-opening conversation about finances, savings, career choice, asking for advice and our money regrets.
 
Our Shared Values
Me: Do you wish your children had pursued more lucrative careers? Or that they had married people who made more money?
 
Sue Smock: Certainly not ... It’s a lot of pressure and not a great way of life.
 
Me: I wouldn’t mind having a bit more income, especially now that we have a child.
 
SS: Security is important, of course. But you don’t need to make a lot to have it. Just don’t spend everything that you earn. It’s important to enjoy life—and feeling good about your work is part of that. Money is not a value. Money is the result of values.
 
Me: What values do you mean?
 
SS: It’s hard to explain, but I grew up appreciating what I had and what I didn’t have. It’s possible to have too many material things. When John was little, I would take away some of his birthday gifts and give them to him for Christmas. Also, you don’t need the most expensive coat or newest phone. I think this largely goes back to my parents, who disliked flashiness. My interpretation is that you shouldn’t be absorbed by things.
 
Differing Approaches
I discovered that Sue and I agreed on some fundamentals, but we do also have differences about money that I suspect are generational. I came of age in the ’90s, when women were being told they could have—and do—it all. I have a take-charge approach to money. If I need to make a decision, I trust I will make a good one. 
 
Sue, on the other hand, would be horrified if anyone called her, as my husband calls me, the “minister of finance.” She came of age in the 1950s, when nice girls didn’t talk about money. “To be honest, I never knew how much my dad made or what the family’s finances were,” Sue says.
 
Still, she managed the checkbook when she was married, and was solely responsible for her finances when she divorced. Her money smarts, like mine, were acquired out of necessity—and on the fly. Yet perhaps because of her upbringing, she seems ambivalent about them, and prefers not to make financial decisions on her own.
 
Me: How did you learn to balance a budget after your divorce?
 
SS: I don’t remember it being very difficult. You had money coming in and money for the bills going out. I made enough money to cover my bills, so it was always manageable—even if I was late paying sometimes.
 
Me: Did you try to teach your sons about money?
 
SS: I didn’t! I didn’t know anything to teach them. I do remember waiting for them to be home before picking up the phone to call some company about a bill or money issue. I wanted them to overhear me. When you’re the only adult in a household, you don’t discuss financial matters [with your partner] anymore—but that’s how kids learn, from eavesdropping.
 
Me: What have you since learned about money that you want them to know now?
 
SS: First, have your savings automatically taken from your paycheck. Don’t trust yourself to sock it away. Second, turn to financial experts to help you make major financial decisions. Sure, you might have to pay for good advice that you can trust, but I think it’s worth it.
 
Knowing What Money Is Best For
When I sold my studio apartment, I did it on Craigslist—and saved the 6% broker fee. I knew then the time and price weren’t optimal. But I didn’t want the mortgage, monthly maintenance fees, and hassle of renting hanging over me and my husband.
 
Sue would have used a broker in that scenario. So our different approaches are apparent. When, however, Sue debated buying the Florida condo, inexpensive as it was, she ultimately didn’t for the same reason I sold my studio: peace of mind. The condo would have required a large mortgage—on a retiree’s budget. If Sue had needed to sell in a hurry, there was a chance she would have taken a big financial hit. 
 
In the end, that is where our philosophies overlap: We both have a healthy respect for the way money can help you—or harm your serenity. And for both of us, a little more tranquility is worth a smaller profit. As Sue says, you can have regrets, but the important thing is to move on. I couldn’t agree more.
 
Caroline Hwang is a journalist based in New York and the author of In Full Bloom.

Photographs: Sue Smock: courtesy of subject; Caroline Hwang: John Smock.
 
Talking about money can be difficult—but ultimately valuable. Read these tips on how to have productive money talks with your partner.