Most parents strive to treat their children equally. It’s a goal that’s as important as loving them equally, since the negative impact of a mother’s preferential treatment of one child over their siblings can be deep and long-lasting, according to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family.
The study found that less-favored kids were more likely to exhibit depression by the time they reached middle age, and to have strained adult relationships with their brothers and sisters. At the same time, kids who are favored by their parents can be harmed by the extra attention and elevated expectations. They also stand to lose out because their relationships with their siblings are more likely to be toxic, due to the resentment felt toward them.
The Impossibility of Complete Equality
While parents strive to treat their children equally, achieving a perfect balance is unrealistic—and, in some cases, neither fair nor right. For example, newborn babies understandably receive more attention and affection from their parents than their older brothers and sisters do. The same is also the case when one child is sick or disabled.
The financial circumstances of parents also change over time, which can affect how much they can spend on each child. For instance, a first child may be born at a time when one or both parents are early in their careers and money is tighter than when a sibling comes along during their peak earning years.
These are just a few of the unavoidable nuances of life—wrinkles that can and should be kept in mind when parents struggle over whether or not to spend more on one child than another.
Different Needs, Interests and Circumstances
Most parents know intuitively that in some cases, uneven spending may absolutely be the correct choice. “There are certain situations where it’s OK for parents to spend more money on one kid than another,” says Adina Mahalli, a mental health expert with Maple Holistics. “For instance, anything medical is a necessity and should not be skimped on. Likewise, sometimes one child may be struggling in school and need additional services and support, and a parent should do whatever they can to promote that child’s success.”
The fact that your children’s interests will differ can also translate into uneven spending. For example, the price tag to support even the most voracious reader will pale in comparison to the financial investment required to enable a child’s participation in horse-riding competitions. And that’s OK, particularly if one child has demonstrated a unique aptitude for a sport, musical instrument or some other activity. “It’s safe to assume that Michael Phelps’ parents spent more money on Michael’s swimming than they did with their other children,” says Logan Allec, a CPA and owner of the personal finance site Money Done Right. “Of course, he ended up becoming the most decorated Olympian of all time.”
For parents of adult children, it’s also OK to consider uneven spending when a child faces hard times, especially when the reasons are medical or employment-related. “Maybe one kid lost their job, or maybe they’re having a harder time getting a business off the ground,” says Leslie Tayne, a New York–based financial attorney and author of the book Life & Debt. “These are all OK times to help out one child more than another.” But all financial professionals caution against allowing an adult child’s short-term financial need to become long-term financial dependency.
Communicating Inequality
Some parents may believe that spending unevenly on their children is entirely their choice and an explanation is not required. But communicating the reasons for spending discrepancies can help maintain strong family bonds. That’s because children of all ages will undoubtedly notice any inequality in parental spending, and clear communication will prevent them from coming up with their own—usually faulty—explanations about why one child is receiving more financial support. Very young children may simply need to be told that their needs are different from those of their siblings. But communicating with teenagers and adult children will require more details.
“When children notice that one sibling is getting more, it’s best to address the issue head on and explain why,” says Tayne. “But be careful of positioning the sibling who’s receiving more as either superior or needier. This can create an even greater feeling of division between the siblings. Simply explain why the spending is beneficial for the family as a whole.”
Tips to Avoid Financial Favoritism
It may be impossible to spend the same on each child in all situations, but parents should still aim for equality.
One way to do that is by setting a per-child financial budget and then regularly checking how well you’re sticking to it. “At the end of each month, track your financial budget to ensure that you didn’t spend more on one child instead of another,” says Allec. Budgeting to ensure equal spending is particularly important on holidays and birthdays, when children of all ages will be especially attuned to any inequality.
Even in instances when more financial support is provided to one adult child, parents can create long-term equality with their will. For example, money doled out to help an adult child can be deemed a portion of a child’s inheritance. Then, when the estate is distributed, the child who received more when their parents were still alive will get less. Communicating this decision to all of your children early on is another way to help avoid family friction.
A former editor at Los Angeles magazine, Chris Warren’s writing has appeared in publications ranging from Institutional Investor and Forbes to National Geographic Traveler, Oxford American and Greentech Media.
How long do you offer your adult kids a safety net? Read one mom’s story.
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