It may seem old-fashioned, but many couples today divide financial responsibilities along gender lines, according to financial professionals. Yet even if the division isn’t by gender, there’s often still a division: One partner takes on the role of money manager while the other just follows along. Sound familiar?
But beware, say experts: Any approach to shared finances that doesn’t involve both partners having equal knowledge and doing equal work can be stressful and risky for your relationship — and isn’t the best approach for your finances, either. That can lead to feelings of resentment if the money manager feels burdened with all the financial work. It can also cause frustration, if they’re continually being asked for money. And if the money manager doesn’t want to say no to their partner, this arrangement could even have negative financial consequences.
On the other hand, the non-manager may feel financially micromanaged or bossed around.
Early life experiences, family modeling and cultural norms often shape spending and saving. Acknowledge that money discussions often carry emotional baggage, and approach them with empathy and patience.
So remember, you’re not off the hook for your partner’s half of the work; you need to know and agree with everything they’re doing, and create shared financial goals, strategies and budgets together. Getting on solid financial ground requires taking one step at a time and being intentional with your money. Here’s how.
Divvy, Don’t Divide
If you’ve taken on certain financial responsibilities, you may not be doing the financial work that actually matches your skills. Take a step back and think about who’s actually better at budgeting for the household. Who’s the best at comparison shopping? Who has no trouble keeping their credit card spending in check? Who’s a savvier investor?
Co-Sign on Your Budget and Goals
Creating and working toward your financial goals as a team will get you there faster — and help you avoid arguments along the way. When you’re in agreement about how to spend your money, it becomes less about “why can’t I have this” and more about “that’s not our priority.”
Schedule Regular Check-Ins
To foster more financial equity in a relationship, you can start with questions like, “How do you feel about our budget this week?” or “Is there any big spending coming up that you would like to talk about?” or “How can I make you feel more supported in the coming days?”
Be Transparent
Make sure you each have equal awareness of all your finances, including your daily expenses, savings accounts, investments, retirement accounts and properties. You should both also have contact information for all of the financial professionals you work with, as well as logins and passwords to every single one of your accounts. This isn’t just in case of emergency: The intent is for you to share equal responsibility and interest in your finances.
Get Help
Financial planners and financial therapists can help you figure out how to work together and sidestep conflicts in spending styles or money habits. While financial therapists can help if your relationship has broken down, they can also help you maintain and grow your relationship.
Research shows that once couples get over the hurdle of actually talking about money, the process of developing better couples communication makes them feel closer and more like a team. And that’s the key ingredient to a financially healthy relationship.
READ MORE: Get tips on How to Have Productive Money Talks with Your Partner