Facing Money Head-On in Your Relationship

As the COVID-19 pandemic adds financial stress to the lives of millions of Americans, many couples are realizing they can no longer avoid conversations about money that, until recently, felt unnecessary or at least not urgent.

In the best of times, each person comes into these discussions with emotions, attitudes and goals that can’t—and shouldn’t—be ignored. Now, when everyone is potentially under extra pressure, it’s particularly important to navigate these conversations so both you and your partner end up in the best possible place together. Let’s explore ways to do just that.

Starting a Money Conversation During a Crisis

Money may feel like a threatening topic these days, especially if you’ve never talked about it with your partner. You may not know where to begin. Usually, money experts suggest starting small—for example, by talking about your goals and preferences. What are you saving for? Would you rather work long hours and earn a high income or work less but live frugally? 

You may not have the luxury of taking baby steps. If not, focus first on making your partner feel safe enough to share concerns, fears and emotions. Listen and try to understand before openly sharing your own perspective. 

Prepare for this conversation to be tough. According to “Money & Saving: What They Mean in 2020,” a new survey by Synchrony Bank and Money.com, more than one-third of people fought with their partner about money in the month prior to the survey. However, if you can follow the experts’ advice and steer through the emotionally charged part of the conversation, you can clear the way to taking constructive action.

Tackling Out-of-Control Finances Together

Once you and your partner have aired your concerns, it’s time to face the facts of your situation by following these steps.

1. Get organized. Gather bank and credit card statements as well as any other records you might need to understand your new financial reality.
2. Do the math. How much do you need to cut your spending?  
3. Set realistic goals. Write them down and plan specific actions you’ll each take to reach them. Small wins, such as canceling streaming services, build momentum.
4. Find help. Figure out which relief programs and public benefits you qualify for and then work together to decide which will help you the most. Or split up the responsibility of researching them or discussing them with an expert.
5. Check in and rethink. As you work through your plan, take note of which strategies are working for you and which aren’t. Check in frequently and talk about how you can adjust less-successful strategies.  

Throughout this process, do your best to be patient with your partner and focus on finding solutions. Don’t blame or procrastinate. Neither of you created these financially frustrating times, and tension won’t help you cope with them. 

Staying on Track

Unpredictability is perhaps the hardest part about today’s economy. More than ever, you and your partner need the commitment to stick to a plan and the flexibility to adjust it when necessary. Here’s how to stay the course:

• Set up a weekly money check-in. Choose a time that works for both of you and start by sharing something positive, even if it’s simply to thank the other for coming to the chat.
• Reference your written goals. Keep your documents handy so you have a clear measure of how you’re doing.
• Emphasize consistency, not perfection. Recognize you will face challenges, be it long applications for unemployment assistance or simply forgetting to cancel an online order before it ships. Remember: Small setbacks are not the same as failure, so don’t let them trick you into giving up.

Resolving Money Conflicts Now—and for the Long Term

If you and your partner came into the relationship with different approaches to money, reconciling those differences now might be tough. Conflicts often result when people with opposite money personalities—that is, a spender and a saver—unite. 

Key to resolving these differences is the right blend of autonomy and responsibility. Neither partner should be making all the decisions or becoming the other’s money manager, and both must contribute to sticking to a budget and saving for the future. In other words, teamwork is essential. 

Teamwork will also help you build a solid foundation for the future. Remember step five above: assess and adjust your strategies. The information you gain from this process will likely prove extremely valuable the next time you face an unexpected expense or major financial decision. 

So will a healthy emergency fund. Ideally, you should have enough saved to cover a year’s worth of living expenses. But only 53% of the respondents to “Money & Saving: What They Mean in 2020” have that much put away. If you and your partner don’t, start saving as soon as you can.

Need to dip into your emergency fund now? Be sure to spend the money wisely.

Read about financial decisions that couples need to discuss or listen to our podcast on productive money conversations.