How to Discuss Your Estate Plan with Adult Children

When people die, sometimes their families find themselves in family feuds that escalate to legal disputes over their estate. Even if they have an updated will and estate plan at the time of their death, more transparency likely could save loved ones from a heartbreaking battle. 

Unfortunately, this type of situation is far too common for people across all income levels. 

“If you don’t discuss your estate plans with your adult children ahead of time, conflict is inevitable,” warns Ted Kurlowicz, a professor specializing in estate and business succession planning at The American College of Financial Services. “If you don’t communicate, there will be conflict, and it won’t be just about the inheritance, but it will be about who you selected as executor, healthcare power of attorney and any other instructions not communicated.” 

Here’s a roadmap of how to navigate the sensitive subject of discussing death and estate planning with your adult children. 

Be Mindful When Assigning Roles 
Parents often assign children tasks they are most suited to. Their Wall Street son is the executor, their daughter who is a doctor has healthcare power of attorney, and so on. However, there are other factors to keep in mind that are just as important, such as how much flexibility the child in question has to act when the time comes and how level-headed he or she is. 

If the child cannot perform as expected, it could become a source of tension for other adult siblings. 

“If there is a child that is well qualified for say, healthcare power of attorney but will refuse to act when it’s clear that a parent is passing, that child could be the wrong choice,” Kurlowicz says. 

Start the process with the people you’re going to name and make sure they’re willing to do it. “Then, follow up with a group meeting and have the gloves come off,” he says. “Clearly state the reasons why each role was assigned to certain family members.”

Then, come up with a detailed plan of how things should go in the event of your passing. This will keep children from having to make difficult decisions, and it could help put them at ease knowing they are carrying out the steps exactly how you wanted.

Communicate Your Wishes
When it comes to dividing up assets, get as detailed as you’d like and keep in mind that there are a variety of options you can use to keep things fair.

For example, if you have a child who has never had access to a large sum of money before and you’re afraid that he or she will spend it right away, there are ways around this. Rather than excluding your child from the inheritance, talk to your financial advisor about the best way to put this money in a trust and about assigning a beneficiary. 

You’ll also want to resist the temptation to give more to your needier children, since this could make successful kids feel penalized and cause resentment. Instead, divide assets equally.

“Be as transparent and thorough as possible in your communication,” Kurlowicz says. “Also, give your children an opportunity to repeat your wishes back to you to show that they were actively listening and invite them to voice any questions or concerns.” 

Anticipate Future Friction
You know your family members and family dynamic better than advisors do, so keep your children’s personalities in mind during your estate planning process. 

“Whatever you think is the problem that’s going to occur in your family, whether it’s a child, son-in-law or daughter-in-law, is going to be worse than you imagine,” Kurlowicz says.

When alive, the matriarch or patriarch of the family still has some control over actions. Adult children won’t push their agendas too hard for concern that they will perhaps alienate the matriarch or patriarch, Kurlowicz says. “All filters come off when people leaving the estate are gone.”

To avoid future problems, identify any potential blind spots in your plans and carefully consider how certain children might react. Do your best to work these issues out in advance. 

Don’t Forget About Possessions
It’s common to divvy up big assets like home property, but don’t overlook valuables that have sentimental value, like Grandma’s wedding ring. Invite your children to help you come up with a plan for who will get what items. 

Opening up a discussion about these items will help ensure that every member of the family feels they’re being considered. This process could also reveal certain items are better left to someone you hadn’t initially considered. 

Keep Your Legacy in Mind
Lastly, remember that no estate is too small for some careful planning. And your actions today will ultimately impact your children’s relationship and happiness for years to come. 

“Many people avoid estate planning because they’re afraid or because it’s an uncomfortable process. But it’s not as uncomfortable as going to your grave with the prospect that your kids won’t be speaking for two years,” Kurlowicz says. “Ultimately, it’s about the legacy you want to leave.” 

Renee Morad is a freelance writer who has been published in the New York Times, Business Insider, OZY, NPR, SmartMoney, TheStreet.com, Yahoo Finance, Scientific American and Realtor.com, among others.

Photograph by Gregory Reid/Gallery Stock.

When do you help your grown children financially—and when do you cut them off? Learn more.